A source of stress and confusion for me has been the semi-formal closure of my relationship with my spiritual teacher and the community surrounding him. Our relationship changed with the experience of hearing my inner voice resound with “We’re no different,” and seeing with some level of clarity that what he represented to his students, and the role he played as a Guru, was – in the optimal case- to act as a mirror, reflecting back to the student their own inner divinity. I realized that I had learned as much as I could from him and that the “pure guru” is within; coming out as the faint voice of reason and as gentle inner stewardship, that we often ignore or drown out with our neurotic noisy minds.
Despite this acceptance of the decision to separate from him, there are numerous ways in which my relationship with him and my inner space has conditioned me. I find that I struggle with the ability to be receptive to other perspectives or teachings after so many years of being conditioned in a particular way. I have experienced severe bias and resistance to reports of experiences of spiritual states and paths that differ from the ones prescribed to me. I found that through cosmology, technique, lineage, experience, and belief I had fooled myself into a conviction that I truly had direct knowledge and proper understanding of, the way spirit, growth, transcendence, and the meaning of existence interrelated. I’m cresting that hill. It’s clear to me that all of the conditioning – the framework – around how I’ve conceptualized this thing called life has, in some part, been a disservice to my growth potential. I’m beginning to glimpse what Jiddu Krishnamurti touched on so vociferously. The goal is to let the extra fall away, the concepts, biases, attachments, and convictions so that an unobscured view can emerge. I realize accomplishing this totally is not realistic, but in terms of the excess spiritual certainties, it seems a worthy path to follow.
I’m beginning to see that I don’t know anything and my assumptions that I did, while providing me with a sense of purpose and a sense of Divine connectedness, ultimately stood in the way of me truly knowing and, in turn, being. It seems that true spiritual enlightenment must involve a dissolution of mind… and an emergence into being that could never be captured within the tenants of any one spiritual discipline. I’m now moving to quiet my mind to become more receptive to the inner voice. I think it’s time to let go of the turmoil and the “What If’s” that I’ve been clinging to. “Move forward.”
