Month: December 2022

Where I Find Myself. 12.11.21

That is the operative question here…. Where do I find myself? As of late, things have been fairly good in my life. I changed jobs from working with adults with addictions to working with at-risk youth. My partner is kicking ass in school, definitely an inspiration for anyone who is wondering what’s possible. I remain in a place of confusion and uncertainty.

The job I have now, and more specifically the weight I put on myself regarding the work, has sent me into a place of self-doubt and fear. I look at my life (currently) and wonder why I had less trouble being embodied, confident, and strong when there were fewer experiences under my belt that would allow me to feel those things…or, at the very least, justify those feelings. I seem to have found a nook of existence that is shrouded by self-contempt and an air of shame to be myself. Sure there are things that have happened in the past that I’m not proud of, but, upon further inspection they don’t seem to warrant a state of self-loathing or this sense of an inevitable degradation of my moral fiber without hope for repair.

I know that I am a good person and that there is a deep well of love, empathy, compassion, and support within me. For whatever reason that well has felt buried and the coordinates lost. There is a sense of apathy that has seeped into my interactions and the way that I relate to life. Nihilism isn’t the proper classification for my current experience. Nihilism posits a lock of inherent meaning in all of life, this experience however, takes a more dubious tonality. There is acknowledged meaning and purpose to the work I’m doing (interpersonally, educationally, occupationally, and spiritually) but despite the knowledge and recognition of said meaning there is a lack of resonance within me, a lack of response to the beauty, virtue, and purity of meaningful service that life has seemingly afforded me in this moment. I feel uninspired. BUT… there are inspirational, passionate, and aspiration inducing elements all around me. I see all of this and fall into a perspective of self-judgment. “You lack gratitude”…”There are people who have far less and are far more joyous and engaged with life”…”There is something wrong with me”. I understand that all of this stems from a lack of acceptance of what is, yet I can still see the truth and necessity of that need. I can understand it mentally, psychologically, spiritually, but the state remains unchanged.

I require radical surrender. A dissolution of self. A widening of the aperture away from the granular myopia of self-experience into the broader interconnectedness that is the all. I long to dispel the negativity and revel in the beauty of life. I want to come alive. Perhaps, the craving/aversion is exactly the issue here. In social work there is the concept of fidelity. The application of techniques, practices, and procedures, that allow for a program to function at it’s highest potential and provide the most efficacious outcomes possible. I’m chasing this notion within my own life. Uncouple the need for things to be different and you just might find that suddenly there is more space to affect meaningful change internally and externally. So…How do I let go? Still struggling with that piece.

Reflections about a Tumultuous Mental State & Relationship 3.4.2021

I’ve been struggling. It seems that out of nowhere an existential “semi-crisis” has reared it’s head. In the past I’ve been able to handle most things that come up without fuss. It seems like since my partner and I started dating my ability to cope with stress and anxiety has lessened considerably. Part of me chocks it up to consistent socialization in my daily life. Another broader, and arguably, more real contributing factor would be my fear of loss and general mistrust for my partner after an ex’s infidelity left me a destabilized and unknowingly traumatized. I find myself unwilling to open up socially. I can feel myself constrict when we interact like an emotional dullard. That results in me not showing up in the ways a loving partner ought to. She deserves better than that. After all of the patience she’s had for my struggles the least I can do is put a happy face on and make a concerted effort to be better, even if my state of consciousness feels like it is at the polar opposite of that sentiment.

I was weighing whether or not a move to spiritual seclusion was appropriate given the internal turmoil I’ve been feeling and the impacts/strain that’s had on our relationship. After more contemplation, it seems like the best option would be to find a way to integrate the domestic and the spiritual. And to be truthful, it’s going to require a hell of a lot of work. I love her. I really do. And simultaneously, I know that my spiritual life is the most important factor to ensure that I operate at my peak potential and spread the love and light in this world I know I am meant to.

Evening of 3.4.2021:

The more I read about Shadow and integrating it the more I realize I’ve been projecting my shadow onto her. This probably stems from my subconscious being afraid to tackle the immense shadow I carry, ultimately pushing it outwards for fear of failure or effort expended in vein.

This, if true, seems like a staggering oversight. Regardless of the outcome of our relationship my purpose is to do the work and become whole. If I can shift the power dynamic at the moment before projection – owning the shadow whilst giving it credence to exist – its power dissipates. After that step, I consciously reframe the emotions that well up, opting for positivity and kindness, ease and equanimity. If I can make this polarity switch habitual and revel in the positive effects I’ll be on my way to being happier and a better partner. The key is to let go of expectations, realizing that the attachment to hope and a fixed outcome will only lead to suffering later on. Nothing is for certain, so enjoy the ride. I have a lot of work to do yet. Going to delve into shadow work, IFS, and spiritual practice aiming towards bringing about a better self and future.

Reflections on Insecurity & Appreciation 1.7.2020

“Currently, my partner and I are in a weird space. I’ve struggled to overcome my insecurity, which has been plaguing our relationship. The insecurity has been causing tension and distance between us as I seem to continue to hurt her with my lack of trust and fear of being abandoned. This behavior pattern is one born of suffering and it has occurred to me that it is starting to inflict suffering not only on her but on myself, as well. I’ve become a bit too attached and allowed things to become unhealthy. I need to get back to myself. Establish healthy boundaries to nurture my Self and our relationship. My partner is out of the country and I’m a bit unsure of how things will go when she gets back. All I can do is have faith that she’ll still be stoked about our relationship and have the same aspirations for a long-term partnership.

At the same time, I have to establish a sense of self-confidence so that even if she and I don’t work out I’m not destroyed. I want to be the strongest/best man I can be for her. She deserves the very best. Which I have not embodied. I keep attempting to dissect the insecurity in my mind. I’ve done it at least a couple of times in previous journal entries. What I’m starting to realize is that trying to mentally work through it or go to friends/loved ones and talk through it doesn’t seem to be an effective way to overcome the insecurities. It helps me to feel better in the moment, but the perspective I’ve garnered from those methods hasn’t actually changed me.“

Motivations

There comes a time when we need to act, share our voice, quit ruminating, and say “Fuck it”. This is where I stand. This is my primary motivation for publishing anything found within this blog. The attachment to the concept of “Involutions” is born from my personal trajectory and pursuit of self-knowledge. It embodies the notion that the path toward self-actualization is one in which the individual must go inward and gradually develop an increased awareness of their nature and, as a result, discover a conviction to their own path and purpose in life. There are countless examples of this from various disciplines over time. Every spiritual tradition heralds this quest in one form or another. Humanistic Psychologists like Maslow have pointed to our innate ability to transcend mundane existence into a way of being that is a more vivid expression of human potential and joy. Philosophers have sought to illuminate the varied steps toward living an ethical and morally superior life. Mythologists like Joseph Campbell have even developed frameworks for pursuing the ever-deepening bedrock of knowledge of self and expounded on the implications of what is on offer for the populace as a result of accomplishing such a goal. I’ve been drawn to the image of the involuted spiral as a metaphorical representation of the journey toward self-realization or transcendence from an early age. A traversal from the outside of the spiral to the inside (self-inquiry and discovery) and the inverse movement from the center back to the starting point (self-transcendence and radiance of expression).

Upon further exploration you will find a range of offerings; blog posts with current thoughts and reflections, posts consisting of personal journal entries and poetry, some of those selections ranging back nearly two decades that will at times undoubtedly read as sophomoric and/or naïve. You’ll find media recommendations, quotes that have inspired me, and additional elements as time goes on. There is also an intention to include a selection of short stories in the future. I intend to stay anonymous and, as such, names of persons mentioned will likely be pseudonyms.

I’ve wrestled with the notion of publishing my most intimate reflections for others to consume. My intention is not to aggrandize my life or to congratulate myself publicly. Far from it. I recognize that there are lessons that I have learned (and have yet to learn) that will be reflected in the writings and ultimately, I leave it up to the discerning reader to parse and use the content as they see fit.

Fair warning – there will be mention of spirituality, often presented in a way that is not secular. An inordinate amount of my life thus far has been spent on a spiritual path under the tutelage of a teacher who espoused the old-world virtues of the Yogic Guru/Disciple relationship. Despite my severance of that relationship, I believe the wisdom gleaned from that journey can be of use regardless of one’s worldview or system of beliefs. Any archival journaling that finds its way onto the site will have minimal edits made, namely for grammatical accuracy, formatting purposes, and for the sake of anonymity. This means that there will be posts in which my writing will have a rhetorical tone and presuppose metaphysical notions as axiomatic truths. Realistically, I am still searching for truth and my notions of what that word means continue to evolve over time.

I encourage you to read on with an open mind. If you disagree with something take the time to reflect on why that’s the case and how your difference of opinion regarding a certain topic shows up in your own life and influences the way you show up in the world. Conversely, if something resonates with you or rings true, consider those personal implications, as well.

Thank you for your time and energy.

~ Humanis