I’ve been struggling. It seems that out of nowhere an existential “semi-crisis” has reared it’s head. In the past I’ve been able to handle most things that come up without fuss. It seems like since my partner and I started dating my ability to cope with stress and anxiety has lessened considerably. Part of me chocks it up to consistent socialization in my daily life. Another broader, and arguably, more real contributing factor would be my fear of loss and general mistrust for my partner after an ex’s infidelity left me a destabilized and unknowingly traumatized. I find myself unwilling to open up socially. I can feel myself constrict when we interact like an emotional dullard. That results in me not showing up in the ways a loving partner ought to. She deserves better than that. After all of the patience she’s had for my struggles the least I can do is put a happy face on and make a concerted effort to be better, even if my state of consciousness feels like it is at the polar opposite of that sentiment.
I was weighing whether or not a move to spiritual seclusion was appropriate given the internal turmoil I’ve been feeling and the impacts/strain that’s had on our relationship. After more contemplation, it seems like the best option would be to find a way to integrate the domestic and the spiritual. And to be truthful, it’s going to require a hell of a lot of work. I love her. I really do. And simultaneously, I know that my spiritual life is the most important factor to ensure that I operate at my peak potential and spread the love and light in this world I know I am meant to.
Evening of 3.4.2021:
The more I read about Shadow and integrating it the more I realize I’ve been projecting my shadow onto her. This probably stems from my subconscious being afraid to tackle the immense shadow I carry, ultimately pushing it outwards for fear of failure or effort expended in vein.
This, if true, seems like a staggering oversight. Regardless of the outcome of our relationship my purpose is to do the work and become whole. If I can shift the power dynamic at the moment before projection – owning the shadow whilst giving it credence to exist – its power dissipates. After that step, I consciously reframe the emotions that well up, opting for positivity and kindness, ease and equanimity. If I can make this polarity switch habitual and revel in the positive effects I’ll be on my way to being happier and a better partner. The key is to let go of expectations, realizing that the attachment to hope and a fixed outcome will only lead to suffering later on. Nothing is for certain, so enjoy the ride. I have a lot of work to do yet. Going to delve into shadow work, IFS, and spiritual practice aiming towards bringing about a better self and future.
