My reflections on my experience in Utah are complicated. On one hand, I feel blessed to have been invited and to have experienced the beautiful environment the participants have created over the last 30 years. There are a couple of internal rubs that could have led to a potentially more impactful experience…not the most productive thinking, I know.
Firstly, I found myself immersed in a community of loving supportive people, but was unable to fully open to the beauty of the experience. Although I was forthcoming with details about myself – and showed vulnerability in that regard, I noticed that far too often I would retreat into a place of quietude and reservation, leading to ostensibly less connection and intimacy with other participants.
I also recognized a troubling competitiveness with my travel companion over the course of the week, a recurring vain attempt to curry favor with the influential figures a the camp, and the feeling of dismay when it was clear that he was accruing more social currency and favor. I suppose you could argue that the awareness of this internal ego grappling is a positive thing, but I am still left with a bad taste in my mouth.
So, even though I have been desperately craving the quality of deep connection available to me at the camp I still found it difficult to engage and exist in the environment comfortably. Perhaps continued exposure is my route to contentment, I’m not sure. I found the ceremonies to be incredibly uplifting and genuine. The sweat lodges and the vision quest yielded fruit, surely. Emotional release and nervous system soothing were very present. I wonder if this is another example of my over-dependence on external stimuli to act as catalysts to change my personal paradigm. There is a knot in my mind preventing a full embodiment/collaboration between Mind & Body. I keep looking towards seminal events like this to readjust my perspective and somehow make me better. I then get discouraged when the maladaptive behaviors/perspectives haven’t completely changed. I desperately want to be reborn in this life… but I fear there is a mess of karma to sort through before that know can begin to loosen.
Looks like the long road is the only viable option to reach the inner destination I wish to return to…