That is the operative question here…. Where do I find myself? As of late, things have been fairly good in my life. I changed jobs from working with adults with addictions to working with at-risk youth. My partner is kicking ass in school, definitely an inspiration for anyone who is wondering what’s possible. I remain in a place of confusion and uncertainty.
The job I have now, and more specifically the weight I put on myself regarding the work, has sent me into a place of self-doubt and fear. I look at my life (currently) and wonder why I had less trouble being embodied, confident, and strong when there were fewer experiences under my belt that would allow me to feel those things…or, at the very least, justify those feelings. I seem to have found a nook of existence that is shrouded by self-contempt and an air of shame to be myself. Sure there are things that have happened in the past that I’m not proud of, but, upon further inspection they don’t seem to warrant a state of self-loathing or this sense of an inevitable degradation of my moral fiber without hope for repair.
I know that I am a good person and that there is a deep well of love, empathy, compassion, and support within me. For whatever reason that well has felt buried and the coordinates lost. There is a sense of apathy that has seeped into my interactions and the way that I relate to life. Nihilism isn’t the proper classification for my current experience. Nihilism posits a lock of inherent meaning in all of life, this experience however, takes a more dubious tonality. There is acknowledged meaning and purpose to the work I’m doing (interpersonally, educationally, occupationally, and spiritually) but despite the knowledge and recognition of said meaning there is a lack of resonance within me, a lack of response to the beauty, virtue, and purity of meaningful service that life has seemingly afforded me in this moment. I feel uninspired. BUT… there are inspirational, passionate, and aspiration inducing elements all around me. I see all of this and fall into a perspective of self-judgment. “You lack gratitude”…”There are people who have far less and are far more joyous and engaged with life”…”There is something wrong with me”. I understand that all of this stems from a lack of acceptance of what is, yet I can still see the truth and necessity of that need. I can understand it mentally, psychologically, spiritually, but the state remains unchanged.
I require radical surrender. A dissolution of self. A widening of the aperture away from the granular myopia of self-experience into the broader interconnectedness that is the all. I long to dispel the negativity and revel in the beauty of life. I want to come alive. Perhaps, the craving/aversion is exactly the issue here. In social work there is the concept of fidelity. The application of techniques, practices, and procedures, that allow for a program to function at it’s highest potential and provide the most efficacious outcomes possible. I’m chasing this notion within my own life. Uncouple the need for things to be different and you just might find that suddenly there is more space to affect meaningful change internally and externally. So…How do I let go? Still struggling with that piece.