Let’s see… What has been on my mind lately? I’ve felt a bit of tension around trying to break out of old habits to inhabit a new mode of living in/relating to the world.
I notice that my internal desire and push toward being more active and social is exactly what I need at this moment… and yet, there is resistance. A resistance emotionally and mentally, a type of wavering, that will go from empowered and determined to be seen and part of the world to a place of personality shrinking and a fear of being seen. Given my struggles to be socially engaged over the last couple of years, I intellectually understand that this friction between these polarities is to be expected and is, in fact, a struggle that is necessary if I’m to overcome the maladaptive behavior. I can’t help but feel discouraged when the fear presents itself, the chest tightens, and I shrink. Patience and perseverance are called for, I know. The somatic and mental resistance presents a hard challenge. The same goes for physical activity. I know that to surmount the stiffness and lack of motivation and to stay proactive to avoid falling into depression again, I must be active.
Other reflections – There is definitely grief still inside of me with the dissolution of my relationship with my ex. There is a feeling of wanting time to speed up so that we can embrace a friendship and be comfortable in one another’s lives… and yet I want to be exactly where I am now without time passing too quickly. It’s a bit of an “emotional cake and eat it too” scenario, I suppose. I love her still but it continues to be clear to me that we were misaligned, and despite our best efforts this outcome was likely inevitable.
I find myself delving into distraction… be that frequenting a Cafe where a cute and (clearly unstable) girl visits – at the prospect of intimate engagement – or the micro-binges of Netflix. I’m accomplishing a lot and doing more for my future and myself than I have done in years, so holding myself gently and with compassion as I reconfigure my habits and lifestyle is necessary. The inner “taskmaster” keeps making an appearance to offer some useless shame for me to (often) embrace.
I am feeling optimistic about going back to school and have made a concerted effort to handle all of the logistics in an intentional and organized way. I’m embracing my “25 pages a day for a year” challenge and the progress I’ve made is definitely empowering. I worry that I will struggle to hold the added lifestyle pieces together in a sustainable way… But hey it’s time to try!