I’m not sure how many times I’ve started entries in my journals with a sentiment similar to – “Well, life is wild,” but this entry will capture that sentiment to the letter. On the 14th of July 2022, my partner of three years and I decided to stop dating. The conversation happened on a scenic overlook in the early hours of the morning and lasted about four hours. The depth of understanding and the general amicable nature of the conversation were both mature, deeply loving, and heartbreaking. She and I had reached a point in our relationship where we could either continue on in unhappiness with the hope that something would shift or go our separate ways and get back in touch with who we really are, respectively. With the decision finalized, I will be moving out in the next month to live with an old friend. As of the 18th I also tendered my resignation from the non-profit I’ve been working at for the last year. Life as I have known it is in the process of completely changing. Changing for what I feel will be the better. Things are in flux.
The deciding point for all of this transition was my bout with Suicidal Ideation three weeks ago. I had resolved to sell all of my possessions, buy a gun, move to Crestone, Colorado, and either find God again or embrace a bullet. I was very close to pursuing this route.
I fessed up and spent time vulnerably expressing my strife to my friend who is a licensed therapist. In turn, I received suggestions and feedback that altered my course of thinking. This friend uttered something incredibly prescient that influenced me deeply. It was something to the effect of “Oftentimes when people are contemplating suicide, it isn’t that they don’t want to live…it’s that their body, mind, and spirit can’t stand to go on living in the current situation.” This sunk in and I immediately knew my current situation had become untenable. Hence, the decision to separate from my partner so as to get some space and clarity and to begin living with fidelity, love, and joy again.
I should be clear, my ex wasn’t to blame… we both have our own issues and represent unique pieces of the puzzle. I don’t love myself, I’ve lost sight of the grace and beauty of life… and for me to show up authentically in relationships, platonic and intimate, I have no choice but to defragment, reassess, and get quiet.