Category: Reflections

Here I am waiting for my connecting flight in Denver, CO. On my way to my hometown and another month on my teacher’s property. Several people have asked me if I am stressed or excited, but I feel somewhat indifferent. There is a general neutrality in regard to the trip, and any sense of novelty or nostalgia is absent. I know that this month ought to be exciting or provoke some emotion, but despite the implications, all I can do is push forward. It’s important I remain unattached to the outcome and focus on dedicating myself completely to the work while analyzing how the environment is affecting me. Should be exciting, right?? I suppose there is a slight tension in the chest. A minor anxiety, but I have to focus on the work and make strides to better myself in the joyous environment.

I still get a kick from traveling, but I realize part of the joy is from the anonymity and ego. I feel like a rogue vagabond while traveling, without a clear identity or history, a specter free to accentuate that in public and keep people guessing… like I said, there’s some ego involved. I do feel generally confident, though. The wind has been steady, and those directional drafts arent for no reason. Here’s to the future!! Cheers! (Holds a coffee cup up).

There is a phenomenon that can manifest during discussions, in which the ego is quieted and the mind falls silent, from this timeless place springs vivid truth, and genuine compassion. The person’s troubles don’t energetically attach, yet a deep sympathy and multi-vantaged perspective takes the forefront. One of truth. Crystalline yet so simple and unattached. From this place, the cathedral of the soul, the sermon transmits. With no agenda or high-minded ideal of spiritual purification or intention to remedy the other party’s woes. Just a strong kindness and openness. Despite the lack of intention to fix the problem, the wisdom, honesty, and truth transmitted ends up having a lasting effect… Or at the very least has a better chance to penetrate and inspire the participant as a result. This state also occurs when there are no woes to fix. The light seeks refuge in all temperaments.

Darkness. Alluring. Subtle, yet insatiable. The momentum builds and can often appear to be the easiest to submit to. The light builds and reinforces as the darkness seeks to supplant the movement of growth. Often the simplest decision can change the course of a day. That day changes the week, changes the month, changes the character.

Exposure to the darkness seems inevitable and necessary, in fact. The polarity and subtleties of its effects need to be explored, and at times, endured in order for the salience of direction and intention to take root. I have felt a depth of darkness and despair, vivid and seemingly invulnerable to defeat. A darkness so consuming the state became normal and didn’t carry an overtly negative mental conception any more. That depth, in retrospect, was a necessary trial. The break in the half-decade storm was sudden. The light shone through in a sterling moment of clarity. An insurgence of self-worth, self-love, and self-respect, was accentuated by a spontaneous oath to myself, for myself. I chose to be happy, vowed to never mute my self-expression, and swore to embrace love. This was the initial step out of the darkness. The work and commitment endure to this day. The darkness beckons yet, but as I observe that grappling for influence and temporary relief or indulgence, the transience of the movement is clarified, and the lasting effect of the light in its ever-developing presence, steadily becomes the only logical influence to embrace.

In my limited experience on a spiritual path, these notions have been a source of both progress and stagnation. The initial acquaintance with aspects of the “higher self” and the self-perpetuating aspiration for union with the universal source can lead one to feel compelled to be better and “purer” that their current state. This realization and compulsion to strive is initially paramount to the aspirant’s progress and should be regarded as such. However, through my experience, I have found a mental attachment to purification and reinvention to be, at times, a generator of shame and grief, guilt, and the diminishment of self-esteem and self-love. The quest toward a deeper understanding of your higher self and the supreme love conflicts boldly with this self-flagellation. This issue is a complicated one to comment on because, on one hand, I know this advice to be true, on the other hand, I feel enduring the throes of that self-degradation and relentless mental anguish was a necessary experience leading me toward the softening state in which I now dwell. A state in which the mental coarseness of an ideal me is generally overshadowed by a joy and acceptance of my shortcomings. This way of approaching personal growth has been a godsend, as my level of mental struggle has begun to fade. As a result, the transformations toward purity, or in favor of it, come of their own accord, from a gestation undisturbed by the stormwinds of the mind.

I often wrestle with this intention for a deeper perception of the universal, ever-present. There is a deep urge within me to see all as God. To have some inkling of the scope in which the Divine’s dynamism is at work. I have experienced numerous flashes of this, brief moments of sublime synchronicity and beauty, only to have them sifted away by the intellectual urge to probe into that experience and solidify it.

Upon returning from an intensive retreat on my teacher’s property in June of 2018 I felt a lasting strength and joy. There was an outpouring of love to each person I passed, a transient acknowledgment of the ever-present beauty within each person, and a deep sense of belonging and peace. I realize now that that experience was but a fraction of the true depth of bliss and balance this work will bring about. I’ve begun to crave the realization of a deeper unity and the subsequent sense of purpose that will enact. I seek the homecoming and can see now that it is attainable. Perhaps in future writings, I will have come to the integrated realization that all is indeed God, but for now, I will maintain stride and surrender to the itinerary that illusive God has set before me.

This is the first entry I’ve made since my hasty departure from PDX. Fate/God has an interesting sense of humor. I felt an urgency and immediacy toward action that I haven’t felt in some time… a push toward accomplishment by any means necessary. Despite the financial mishap and any potential stigma of failure that might accompany it, I feel as though this transition is one that is/was needed. The laxity and inappropriate/irresponsible Bohemian lifestyle I had adopted wasn’t sustainable in the long term.

Between depending on the kindness of friends/family, adopting three jobs, and facing the intensity of this winter my character and the caliber of my resolve to overcome my situation and rise above it, have become paramount. I feel uneasy and blessed simultaneously. On one hand, I know this is all happening for a reason, on the other hand, I feel it’s impossible for me to take a breath and fully relax until I move into a place of self-sufficiency and upward growth. The hammer continues to strike the anvil and the shape and quality of the blade is uncertain yet, but what I do know is that my best effort is the requisite now, and with patience and slight modulation, the blade has the potential to cut through the eternal.

Forward, never backward from this day forward.

I’m not sure how to broach this subject… but I find (increasingly) that my conceptions about the esoteric nature of reality and my own personal cosmology are of a narrow perspective. Potentially one that I’ve never actually questioned properly. I do feel resonance with specific ideals and beliefs that I’ve formed since the age of 16 when I first met my teacher. Call it (if you’d like) an undisclosed Agnosticism. I now see the error in my extreme distaste for the specific string of Buddhism I encountered in India. I remember revolting from the Dogma and rigidity of the lesson we experienced during the silent retreat only to, nearly a decade later, see that my own faith in Sri Aurobindo’s cosmology has been equally rigid and stifling. This is certainly true in so far as my unwillingness to question or deeply analyze any of the beliefs I held dearly. The beliefs I espoused as axiomatic.

I realize this scrawling is hardly organized or concise. The truth is, I’m still working through these revelations. Ideally, I will spend enough time contemplating this to gain a depth of perspective that will allow me to formulate a practice and spiritual discipline that isn’t predicated on elitism and an US vs. Them mentality, or some other subtly restrictive maxim. I hope to not experience a deep sense of loss or revolt as a byproduct of the unraveling of the Gordian knot of my own spiritual conditioning, which for better or worse I have accepted as the ultimate truth somewhere along the way.

This table is a loose subjective comparison taking a look at the qualities experienced in meditation when there is effort or (pushing) and intellectualization of progress or (Tracking) vs. simply feeling without the need to label.

No Tracking	Pushing/Tracking
Calm/Stillness Wideness Lack of a need for direction or Proof of progress Lightness Reduced tension Descension Some ascension Acceptance Receptivity Minimal vibrational Resistance Peacefulness	Control Heat Assurance of progress Shaking Straining Pain Vibrational resistance lLghtness Ascending force Tension
Purity Freedom Silence	Rajasic: Efforting Tamasic: Need for reassurance and desire to feel like the work is validated Tension Heart rate increase Partial surrender to the current state of being.
Wideness Ease of the Quieting of the Mind, No expectations, Minimal physical tension, peace, acceptance.	Need for progress, Purifying warmth, Rajasic traits, Lack of complete surrender/conceptual or intellectualized surrender.

The trip to see my mom weighs a bit heavy on me. Seeing her beat up, confused, and in such a vulnerable place is hard to come to terms with. Although I was able to get down to Albuquerque and help her, conceivably doing a lot during the half a week I was there, part of me still feels guilt and a sense that I failed her. My heart was hardened and I had a hard time not getting sharp and short with her. Part of me used the easy excuse, blaming it on her bitterness to justify my own meanness. I could have shown up in a more loving/present way, dissolving the stimuli that prompted my stubborn approach.

On the drive back I drove into a rainstorm, and as the rain began to fall, harder and harder, so came my tears. I realized that my inability to love my mother fully was a failing of my own creed and personal ethics. I saw the rain fall over the desert plains nourishing the arid roots, and with a sense of desperation, prayed that my tears and reflections would analogously soften my heart, allowing the true expression of love I’ve been estranged from to come pouring out. I vow to make an effort to be present, to really do the internal work necessary so that the light and love I have to share with humanity can once again beam freely.

What a night. 9.15 the first night of two was very dynamic. As I arrived I felt a bit of nervousness to be introducing myself to 22 people. The energy in the house was a bit frenetic, but I jumped in to help and my anxiety eased a bit. There are a number of incredibly beautiful and powerful people in this group. Hell, the whole group is fantastic.

After drinking the first cup I fell into a state tat had the potential to be like my first ceremony; reveling in sadness that the connection was missing. Instead, I breathed into the experience and it seemed to work to soften me up, showing me a beautiful example of me working in the community, going to school, and spreading a radiance of connection and love. I ended that cup with the knowledge of what could be and asked Aya to show me what it would take to reach that beautiful vision.

Time for the second cup came around and I was determined to follow through. I struggled for a while to hold down the second cup, the cacophony of purging around me made that challenging. As for exactly what came of the second cup it’s hard to say. Aya gave me a shockingly straightforward to-do list that would move me toward my goal of presence –

1. Get a j0b with a specific local large non-profit organization
2. Devote yourself to the work
3. Use health insurance to get oral surgery
4. Allow the passion to help people transform the role into something beautiful, that, in turn, feeds back into a joyous lifestyle.
5. Continue pursuing an education.

These pointers seemed to be a prescription of sorts to manifest meaning and create substance in my life via hard work.

After that, I fell into a dissection of my behaviors. There was a clear telegraphing of my judgemental nature, something that I thought wasn’t really an issue for me. My judgments are always beautifully designed ways for me to shift my focus away from myself and avoid my own work. This behavior was modeled for me ad nauseam. I was shown how I use projection and speculative narrative crafting to distract myself emotionally from the personal work that needs to be done.

I had several moments where it was clear to me that God/Love was present and would always be lighting the path forward. I felt deep gratitude and the need to prostrate myself before God/Love to acknowledge how various actions in the past were disgraceful, a penance of sorts. I found strength in the gratitude to be alive, to have been given the challenges I have, and to still be walking the earth and waking anew each morning. I also found myself with the desire to reach out and give love to a variety of people in my life. I experienced a number of visions related to how I let my ex down throughout our relationship and I was left just wanting to reconnect, hug her, and say, “I’m Sorry.”

Night Two [9.17.2022] –

I’m writing this after getting some rest. I still feel the effects of the medicine a bit. Where to start… I found the second night to be challenging, and beautiful. I went into the first round with the intention to allow Aya to drive the bus; to surrender to whatever the medicine needed to show me and I needed to learn.

At first, it was like a prolonged series of vignettes that were beautiful but lacked substance. At a point I became frustrated and pushed back against Aya saying, “You know, you don’t have to be gentle,” and it was as if she metaphorically raised her eyebrow in response, smirking slightly. We plunged into an extremely intense and uncomfortable processing of my faults and shortcomings. Namely, a lot of how I showed up in the relationship with my ex came to the surface. One thing, in particular, was my habit to make everything about myself. For example, if she was upset or having a hard time I would typically assume that I had done something wrong, which over time became an annoyance of hers…understandably so. I’ve done this in many other areas of my life. I realized while sitting with the behavior that it was a subtle and self-reinforcing vortex of sorts. It’s clear to me that this is connected to my past with the victim mentality. This habit is a sneaky one, in that, when confronted with that specific stimuli, I would shrink up and create a narrative based on a loose intuition that I was at fault. This would lead me to push and try to “fix” the situation that I had falsely accredited myself as having caused. This habit was a zero-sum bind, with outcomes that would lead to me feeling hurt and confused… and thus, the pattern of absorption would repeat. Seeing the reality of this behavioral issue, the impacts of it, and the nuance of the mechanism allowed me to accept it and look deeper into it in order to trace back the influences in my childhood that developed that coping mechanism. I was able to gently hold that part of myself and nurture the scared, desperate, sweet child within me.

I saw visions of my ex flourishing in a variety of ways; beginning to live again in her brilliant complicated way. This was beautiful. I also had to reckon with some shadow elements of how my influence in our relationship led to a breakdown of her spirit and purpose. The times when I was knowingly being an energy vacuum and holding her back from joy. These expressions were very vivid and powerful.

During the second round before we were called to drink, I was a little scared to take the second dose. I mustered up the courage to do it for the sake of healing. I took this dose with less of a clear intention and an openness to what needed to come up. The second dose came on strong and the urge to purge was present. There was a cascading effect of people purging that was punctuated by three people directly adjacent to me vomiting. The struggle was real but the nausea subsided and I was cast into an even deeper version of the “You don’t have to be gentle,” sentiment from the first dose. This section was so intense that I am still trying to piece together exactly what I experienced. There are a couple of core moments that I can share now that are clear.

The onset was a kind of mental kaleidoscope of anguish, negative behaviors, and self-judgments all flooding in at a pace I couldn’t comprehend fully. I would have a moment of salience when the obsession with myself would be really prevalent, I’d be given a window to accept that, and upon not accepting it I’d be flung into the kaleidoscope of anguish again. At a certain point, I was sitting with my self-absorption and noticed my body language. During the torrent, I’d be holding my fists closed over my chest, or I’d be in the fetal position, body contracted into itself. It clicked for me that not only are there countless behaviors linked to my self-absorption, but I have also (over time), developed physical body language that denies my being a sense of openness and receptivity to the world around me. The habit was so ingrained that I would have to pry my contorted arms to my side and forcefully open my hands to take on a receptive posture. As I become more aware of my shadows it has been a recent mission of mine to get more in touch with my body. This practice of assuming a posture of physical receptiveness will undoubtedly play a big part.

Toward the end of the onslaught, I remember looking up at the pine ceiling and saying, ” I just can’t do it anymore” to God/Love/Universe, and surrendering into the experience. This was incredibly beautiful and I felt held and nourished in my exhaustion. The scene changed to a moonlit beach, grayscale, third-person view of me laying in the tide among the wreckage of a ship. I was broken, exhausted, and on the verge of death… at that moment I smiled, and felt the deepest feeling of gratitude and contentment for the beautiful experience.