Involutions

The more I contemplate my path and the prospect of pursuing the unlicensed route I realize that my best course of action is to probably get the undergrad degree in Psychology with maybe a Writing/English minor and then pursue a more specialized Master’s and potentially Doctoral Degree at a school like CIIS or Naropa. I can do self-study around spiritual traditions, consciousness, and therapy modalities. This path will be one of sacrifice, humility, and focus. Cosmology, Consciousness, and Spiritual growth are areas I could see myself really jiving into and pursuing academically with passion.

I’ve had the impulse to pursue this path since the age of 18 or 19. Exploring the links between perspective, belief, practice, and self-actualization/evolution would be a meaningful path to pursue. Searching for peace and joyous embodiment is what meaning means to me. If I can explore the multitude of disciplines and unearth a path inside of me – one unburdened by dogma and contrived allegiances to a given tribe – perhaps I could transcribe that path in such a way that illuminates the underlying route across all beliefs and traditions. This path is worth walking. Time to set off.

I find myself at an interesting crossroads of sorts. I’ve been contemplating what the next steps of my journey look like… I know that I want to provide some form of empathy-based “counseling” to other people. The vision of building a career out of helping people through conversation, empathy, and presence, to live better lives is one in which I find my soul satiated…

The Question then is:

As a 33-year-old without a bachelor’s degree do I proceed with the traditional Undergrad to Master’s degree track and start practicing conventionally at the age of 42… or do I form my own curriculum and focus on building knowledge, experience, specialized certifications, competencies, and an awareness of the pros/cons from industry leaders who have taken a similar path, and potentially begin practicing earlier?

There are potential pitfalls to each route. Unlicensed, you risk being shunned and not being taken seriously. The level of discipline and thoroughness I would require of myself to feel ok with providing an unlicensed service rooted in spirituality and therapy would be monumental. The ethical considerations alone are formidable. Do I possess the drive and devotion required to walk that path?

On the licensed side, I worry that the narrowness of conventional modalities and “wisdom” would crush the innovative spirit and seed I feel is gestating within me. The licensed route would be very expensive and would delay the study of specific specializations like Transpersonal Psychology and Spiritually oriented modalities unless I were to attend a school like CIIS or Naropa.

I also have to soberly look at whether or not my aversion to attending university is rooted in fear of failure and doubt about my capacity… and potentially whether or not laziness and fear of prolonged commitment play a role.

I’ve received encouragement from numerous people over time that I would make a great Therapist. I hope that in five to ten years I look back on this entry with fondness and compassion in a place that is, in retrospect, exactly where I was meant to arrive.

That is the operative question here…. Where do I find myself? As of late, things have been fairly good in my life. I changed jobs from working with adults with addictions to working with at-risk youth. My partner is kicking ass in school, definitely an inspiration for anyone who is wondering what’s possible. I remain in a place of confusion and uncertainty.

The job I have now, and more specifically the weight I put on myself regarding the work, has sent me into a place of self-doubt and fear. I look at my life (currently) and wonder why I had less trouble being embodied, confident, and strong when there were fewer experiences under my belt that would allow me to feel those things…or, at the very least, justify those feelings. I seem to have found a nook of existence that is shrouded by self-contempt and an air of shame to be myself. Sure there are things that have happened in the past that I’m not proud of, but, upon further inspection they don’t seem to warrant a state of self-loathing or this sense of an inevitable degradation of my moral fiber without hope for repair.

I know that I am a good person and that there is a deep well of love, empathy, compassion, and support within me. For whatever reason that well has felt buried and the coordinates lost. There is a sense of apathy that has seeped into my interactions and the way that I relate to life. Nihilism isn’t the proper classification for my current experience. Nihilism posits a lock of inherent meaning in all of life, this experience however, takes a more dubious tonality. There is acknowledged meaning and purpose to the work I’m doing (interpersonally, educationally, occupationally, and spiritually) but despite the knowledge and recognition of said meaning there is a lack of resonance within me, a lack of response to the beauty, virtue, and purity of meaningful service that life has seemingly afforded me in this moment. I feel uninspired. BUT… there are inspirational, passionate, and aspiration inducing elements all around me. I see all of this and fall into a perspective of self-judgment. “You lack gratitude”…”There are people who have far less and are far more joyous and engaged with life”…”There is something wrong with me”. I understand that all of this stems from a lack of acceptance of what is, yet I can still see the truth and necessity of that need. I can understand it mentally, psychologically, spiritually, but the state remains unchanged.

I require radical surrender. A dissolution of self. A widening of the aperture away from the granular myopia of self-experience into the broader interconnectedness that is the all. I long to dispel the negativity and revel in the beauty of life. I want to come alive. Perhaps, the craving/aversion is exactly the issue here. In social work there is the concept of fidelity. The application of techniques, practices, and procedures, that allow for a program to function at it’s highest potential and provide the most efficacious outcomes possible. I’m chasing this notion within my own life. Uncouple the need for things to be different and you just might find that suddenly there is more space to affect meaningful change internally and externally. So…How do I let go? Still struggling with that piece.